Day Off, Terrible Night & Family Things.. 11/24/2019

Today has been decent so far except last night I had a terrible night. I fell asleep after having a ptsd attack thingy and so I of course had that on my mind. I had horrible dreams about the crash and just plain old nightmares. I woke up periodically through the night and then I woke up at like ten and couldn’t fall back asleep. I was up for the day. I calmed myself down and got some food. I ate a cookie and yogurt. What a wonderful diet I have.

Then after a few hours of just relaxing we went out and went to Best Buy. I bought a kindle 7 because I needed to upgrade my old one from like 2014 finally. It was $20 off so I took advantage of that. It’s really cool you can also play games and watch stuff on it. Also it’s in color. I saw something where u could download PokémonGo on it but that didn’t work. That’s fine because I love it anyways. Then on the way to the vape shop I started to get all panicky and I made up an excuse that my stomach hurt and I had to go to the bathroom. It did so I wasn’t lying. I said I needed to stop or something because I just wanted out of the car. My bf still doesn’t know that. So yeah when I got back I laid down, watched some Tik Toks and just breathed. That’s was terrible because I was all alone because my bf went back out. I honestly don’t remember what and how I calmed myself down.

We then watched the football game and we won so that was cool. I’m not a huge football or sports fan but I like spending time with my bf even if it’s watched football. After that we left to go to his grandparents place and we stayed there for like an hour and a half. And then we decided or at least I did that we were going to play PokémonGo. We had to go home and get the charger port and also stop and put gas in so we headed back. And later down in this post I mentioned that the square in my bfs town had the winter wonderland kickoff tonight and so there were fireworks and the light display was up and everything well the church there set up a nativity scene and they had live animals! A camel, a donkey, a sheep and a goat!! We didn’t stop but omg they were adorable.

It surprised me when I looked over and saw a huge ass camel. Guess what we did on the way to go play Pokémon after stoping at a gas station and his house we parked and got to pet them. I was super excited and I got tons of pictures. I’m gonna post some later tonight on my Instagram so if you want to check that out that would be where it’s at. @em_and_anxiety

Yeah then we went on our way to go play Pokémon and I got a shiny!!! A shiny tentacool so that made my night. We haven’t went playing for a while. Then I got anxious a bunch of times. Every time we turn the car I squeeze whatever I am holding, and my chest gets all tight. So that isn’t fun at all. Then a cop followed up and that made my anxiety worse and so I asked to go back luckily he was done kinda too. We also did a raid, completed some special research tasks and beat some team rocket grunts. It was a productive night. When we got back home my bf started playing fortnite with one of his online friends and I went to bed. My neck is currently hurting right now from me being tense. I’m most likely going to take a shower now.

We are on the way to my bfs family thingy for his grandparents. I am currently having anxiety but I am glad we don’t have to drive to his aunts which I am so happy about. Right in the middle of writing this we saw fireworks. They lit up the Christmas wonderland thing on the square. I hate the smell of the fireworks. But we picked up pizza and we ate almost to his grandparents house. My throat is right, my head hurts and I’m freezing. I hate driving so much and now I have to deal with people. It’s fine though, I will be fine.

I not fine right now. I just woke up from falling asleep. I think I fell asleep at like one, idk. I woke up just from that and now I feel like I’m gonna puke. I am all jittery and restless. I feel anxious and I can’t stop it or like acknowledge it. I tried that and it wouldn’t work. My hands and feet are all tingly. I’m thinking i might take a shower. My boyfriend hasn’t noticed yet so we will see how long that takes. He is playing Fortnite and has been this whole time. My head still is pounding. I got a headache when we were at driving to give grandparents and it hasn’t gone away. I feel like I can’t breathe, my chest is tight and I can’t swallow. Just all my normal things. I am just focusing on writing this and telling myself that I’m okay and this will all just pass. I want to go back to bed but I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon. I tried that and I started to freak out more. Oh and I’m extremely hot right now. It’s so weird I’m either really cold or hot. Oh and buddy my bfs cat came up to me and literally head butted me and wouldn’t stop. He did that for like a couple minutes. It calmed me down for a second. He’s was probably thinking like you stupid human and your anxiety or something like that. I’m gonna finish telling you about my day to try and distract me. It’s currently four in the morning and luckily I don’t work tomorrow.

Ptsd Attack, Pictures With Santa & Christmas Shopping! 11/23/2019

Last night was a little bit of a rough one. I had a ptsd attack with flashbacks included and my bf didn’t even notice. So little side note someone just hit their horn loud and my heart stopped and now my chest feels all tight. I feel like it’s hard to breathe. Come on I almost made it the whole shift without feeling terrible anxiety since I didn’t really have enough time to think about anything. It’s been super busy because we had pictures with Santa for the animals. We got a bunch of dogs and one cat. The people doing the actual pictures were rude but you can’t really control that can you. I didn’t really have one rude customer yet (knock on wood) so that’s been good.

I worked from 10:30 until six, a decent day. Last night I had one of my attacks and my bf didn’t even notice. I was crying and everything, snot was all over. I got snot on his phone and everything. After I could talk I asked him to lay down with me and he helped kinda. What he was saying at times made it a little worse but it’s not like he could’ve known. I was just re-experiencing the first crash and second. It felt like I was there and I could feel and hear everything. I could even smell the airbags and I felt freezing. It’s so weird sometimes I am freezing from my anxiety/ whatever and at other times it feels like I’m burning up. After I calmed down I fell asleep for a few hours and then I had a small panic attack after I woke up when my bf started getting ready for bed.

I did get McDonald’s this morning so that was amazing! I got two hashbrowns and an orange juice. I got to work on time and right off the bat it was super busy. The pictures with Santa lasted three hours and it was constant the whole time. Now I am just waiting out the last thirty minutes. So I’m updating this because why not. I am going to go to the mall after I get off. I have to pick up the sheets and I also want to go to Bath and Body Works, they have the soaps my mom and my bfs mom loves. Gotta love early Christmas shopping. My bf was going to go pick up the sheets but he fell asleep so that didn’t happen.

Work went by fast and then we went and got the soap and also the sheets I ordered. After that we just chilled and I had yet another stupid flashback thing. We ended up falling asleep after that because I was exhausted! Yeah so that’s it.

Terrible Day Yet Again 11/22/2019

Today has been a simple yet terrible day. Last night was a rough one just because of my ptsd thing that went on. It took a lot out of me. After my attack my bf watched some TV and I fell asleep for a couple hours. I was having the after effects of it so anxiety and tingly feet. I did fall asleep and when he was ready for bed he woke me up and we went to bed.

I had terrible dreams and again I woke up periodically during the night and I woke up at eleven and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I watched some Tik Toks, SVU and ate leftover Chinese food. My boyfriend woke up like three hours later. I played some Fallout 4, yes I bought it the day before and that car ride did not help my anxiety at all. Plus yesterday when we were out we saw the after math of a crash and everything. That was not helpful! We ate some McDonald’s that his dad brought home and then we both started not feeling well like anxiety wise.

I had two panic attacks and my bf was falling asleep on me so I kept waking him up. We laid down for like 3 hours. Then I started having a terrible headache mostly from my anxiety but it might’ve been from me not having any caffeine. I started freaking out because I felt like I was going to throw up and I still do. I’m worried I got food poisoning from the Chinese but I know I would be throwing up by now. We ended up going to the store and got a few things. I of course got something to drink and I also got a few of my favorite snacks.

They had a cop there because it’s a Friday night and Giant Eagle has like a small cafe thing and a bar thingy inside. I’m not sure why it doesn’t make any sense. So of course I was already on edge from driving there, then that. I also started getting overwhelmed because it was busy and I kinda rushed us through the last part. I might’ve snapped at my bf to hurry but I said sorry. Then on the way back like 1 min away from the house I got really anxious and I squeezed my bfs hand because I felt like I was gonna puke and pass out. I made it home but now I’m all anxious and not hungry and it just sucks.

So right now I am trying so hard not to freak out. I haven’t really been successful but I’m trying. We have just been watching TV. I tried coloring to calm down and it didn’t work, it’s not for me. Meditating or yoga DOES NOT work for me at all. I have tried in the past. So yeah I tried stuff and it just didn’t work. Also playing my game doesn’t help when I’m having these flashbacks. We did fold clothes and fix the dresser thing that was broken. The room looks actually decent now. I am going to try and fall asleep or attempt to because I have work from 10:30 until six tomorrow. I do not want to work at all. I won’t be by myself tomorrow so that’s alright with me. I do want to pick up some sheets I ordered from Kohl’s or my boyfriend might. Also tomorrow the soaps from bath and body works is on sale and I want to pick up a few. Yeah so that was my day…

Terrible Anxiety Day 11/21/2019

Honestly yesterday just passed by in a blur. It feels like everything is going in slow motion but super fast, if that makes any sense. I honestly only remember some of yesterday. I am totally fine with not remembering. So I had terrible dreams that night and I kept waking up and then falling back asleep. I fell asleep crying and having a panic attack. I honestly don’t remember because I was that out of it.

Yeah then when I woke up the anxiety started. My boyfriends slept in a little while I just watched some Tik Toks. I slept in until like twelve so a decent amount of time. Then my bf left and got the rental car. It’s a truck and I hate it so much. I don’t like it at all and I miss the other car. Then he went and for everything out of the old car. The pokemobile as we called it. They scraped it and so yeah. He has that rental for a week and by then he should have a car. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen with that.

Other than that I had some bad panic attacks and just anxiety in general. I also had a very bad ptsd attack last night. It lasted for about 30-45 min and I couldn’t talk, I had flashback and I just felt like I was dying. My bf helped me but I had to take a shower in the end because I felt like I was floating and like I wasn’t in my own body. I am just not doing so well.

Car Crash- Ptsd and Panic Attacks 11/20/2019

okay so I am writing this the day after and it’s gonna be fast because I just got through a 30/45 min ptsd attack and anxiety. Let’s just say I was a complete mess again. So we were going to take my mom to her doctors appointments early in the morning. We were on the way and doing fine. Something that morning told me to take one of my anxiety meds with a me but I didn’t. Then as we were making a turn to go pick up my mom the car kept going straight and jumped a huge curb and hit a sign and concrete wall. We were going about 30. The car was totaled and of course I had to deal with a cop and everything. My boyfriend is okay, I am okay psychically. Mentally I am not fine at all.

Great way to start the morning. So for everyone who doesn’t know I was in a more serious crash earlier this year on New Year’s Eve. We were going about 50 and the other car was going about 40 and they hit my side and we spun to the other side of the road and everything. Car was totaled and the other driver didn’t see the stop sign. They were at fault. Spent the night in the ER but we were okay. My glasses were just broken and then I got ptsd from that. So this whole car crash yesterday was terrible for me. Oh and the beginning of the year one if we weren’t wearing our seatbelts we would’ve died.

So yeah that’s the story about why I have ptsd over car crashes. So I started flipping out I didn’t have my med and I was hyperventilating. I felt like I was back at the other one and I just kept replaying it in my mind. I don’t really want to replay what exactly happened. But my parents showed up and they took us back to my bfs place. Then later on we went out for something and the whole time I was freaking out. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I did scratch my arm I do that to keep me from dissociating. I know not a good technique but that’s a better alternative than getting flashbacks all the time. We saw three different crashes/ fender benders when we were out which made it worse.

Right now I am feeling very bad. It’s currently 11:23pm and my whole body just is out of whack. It started with my feet feeling all tingly, stiff, numb and just itchy. I feel like I want to chop them off! Then my headache came back and so I took some advil for that. My whole body just feels stiff my arm is like hurting because I feel like I can’t move it. I also feel super weak and just not motivated at all. I am extremely hot and then I get cold really fast. Like earlier I was freezing. I want to take another shower but it’s late and I don’t want to use too much water since I already took one. This is one of my anxiety things by the way, using too much water and stuff. My head is tingly and so are my arms and hands. I am writing this as I’m feeling this so if this doesn’t make any sense if I’m repeating myself that’s why. I just want to fall asleep so I won’t have to feel this anymore. I am contemplating on whether to take a shower or not. If I do I will and then I will go to sleep. I am not sure if my boyfriend is still gonna watch something or go to bed. Correction he’s watching something.

It’s hard for me to talk right now. It feels like I can’t get a word out. I feel like I can just start crying all of a sudden. I just don’t want to think about it anymore but this one today and the one in New Years keeps playing in my head. I’m gonna go now.

Okay so after I wrote this i asked my boyfriend to lay down with me and hold me. He did and I freaked out and he helped me. Then I ended up falling asleep and so did he. He really did calm me down but let me just play it out. So yeah that was yesterday. Today wasn’t any better and I’m really doing horrible right now.

Closing @ Work & Relaxing 11/19/2019

Yesterday wasn’t anything to worry about compared to today. I will get into it more when I finally have the will power to write it. I was in another crash or should I say crash from a malfunction in the car. Yeah so that happened today and I am not doing so well. I am trying my hardest to but I feel all weird and I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. Anyways let’s talk about yesterday.

Woke up around eleven and I got to work at one. It was fairly busy doing the clearance list, which is marking everything down more, cleaning, closing stuff, helping customers and checking them out, and just the odds and ends that needed to be done. It went by fairly fast and decent. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Yeah I’m gonna keep it short because I feel all panicky and it’s hard for me to concentrate right now.

I didn’t have to work!! New Shoes and Christmas Shopping. 11/18/2019

So yesterday wasn’t bad at all! I was so happy that I didn’t really have too much anxiety and only one big panic attack that I can remember. I pretty much had one when I woke up. I had some bad dreams and so I woke up kinda panicked. Other than that just some random anxiety here and there. Of course it hit when I was laying down but I calmed myself and fell asleep. So we went to the mall and shared some teriyaki (I so had to say the word into my phone because I had no clue how to spell it.)

Yeah before we ate I picked up a Christmas present I got my parents. It was almost 75% off so I thought why not. It was like $20 but a rebate was up for it so I will get ten back. I also had to get new shoes because my other ones that I got from amazon for free because they didn’t come in time and so they refunded my money. They are purple pumas and they were originally $75 and I got them for $45. They are comfortable so far compared to my other ones. I also got an ice cream cone because why not?

We then went home and then we met up with one of my bfs friend. I hadn’t met him before but I wasn’t nervous because meh it was just a friend of his. We played PokémonGo and ate some McDonald’s and also checked on our geocache that we put out in April I believe. It’s still good and running. Yeah so that was my day, busy but not busy. Oh and I didn’t work because someone offered to take my shift and I was like okay. I needed another day off.

Panic Attack & Anxiety at Work 11/18/2019

So yesterday was an okay day. It wasn’t the best at all, especially at night but I got through the worst of it. I had to open but luckily we opened an hour after since it was Sunday so I got to sleep in a little. I opened all fine and got everything done since I had some extra stuff to do considering the day I had before. Then people kept coming in and I didn’t have enough time to breathe. I finally slowed down around eleven but then I started to get all anxious and my chest was all tight. I had a headache and my hands/ arms felt all weak and numb. Plus if felt itchy and so I was my arms and hands. It didn’t help but it felt a little better. I do have a couple like fingernail scratches but those will go away.

So I had a small panic attack in the bathroom around 12:30. Luckily it happened when the next girl was coming in. I just sat on the floor in the bathroom and cried. I was all hunched over so it would be easier for me to feel like I could breathe. It lasted for what felt like hours but really only ten minutes maybe. I wasn’t keeping track but i think it was close to that. I got off of work at 5:30 and after that we just chilled. I ate some food and we went out and got some Starbucks and spun a pokestop. Then we went back home and watched this new zombie show on Netflix called Black Summer. It’s super scary and I was scared the whole night. It really is so realistic. We watched five episodes and we have only three more to go. I don’t really care if we watch the last one just two more. I would assume the last one ends on a cliff hanger.

I would NOT recommend watching at night. To be honest the show gave me hella anxiety. I don’t know why but it did. I was super stressed watching it and afterwards. Then my boyfriend started teasing me and wouldn’t just go to the bathroom with me because I was scared. Then I got all shaky and so we started to get ready for bed. I was almost asleep after having my feet feeling weird and me putting tons of my specific lotion that I need to make my feet better, I will get into that another day. I am just trying to get through writing all this because I am feeling very antsy and I just need to calm down and play some games on my phone and then hopefully fall asleep. Yeah so I was almost asleep and then my boyfriend turns over because he was feeling weird.

I got all pissed and cried but then I got over it and we both fell asleep. My dreams were terrible last night! I was crying when I woke up around 8. Buddy my bfs cat, head butted me, I don’t know if he knew that I was having a bad dream and wanted to wake me up but he did my head butting me and meowing in my face. I woke up got him more water and then fell back asleep after crying for a little bit. I had dreams where I was dying, where my family/ boyfriend was dying. I felt like I was dying over and over again. It was all just so terrible. So yeah that was my day……

PTSD Attack, PokemonGo & DRIVING!!

So yesterday was a crazy day not just because of community day/ raids (PokémonGo) but because work was extremely crazy. So let me start with the fact that yesterday was community day and I got ten shiny chimchars and we did four raids while we were there. We got two of the new weezing that looks like a bong. And we did two coballion raids but we only caught the one. And that was from 11-3. I also had to pick up cupcakes because yesterday was my bosses last day but I did make it to work on time. I wasn’t even supposed to work until six but they asked me to come in at three and I was okay with that. I did work 7.07 hours yesterday so it was a long day.

I am currently at work right now and it’s been busy non stop people but now I finally have a chance to breathe. (Knock on wood) So when I got to work my boss who isn’t my boss anymore decided to move everything around and so the toys are where the leashes were and the leashes are where the toys used to be. It took three hours and I had to stay until ten instead of 9:20 last night because I had to put out the new sale tags. We couldn’t done that instead of moving things but we got it all done. It left me sweeping and cleaning this morning but I did get that done finally. It’s now 11:30 and I finally finished. I do still have to build some crates, clean the betta fish and take out the trash, but that’s it! And I’m here until five and I get a 30 min break so I have more than enough time. Another girl comes in at noon so I won’t be alone which is always nice.

So yeah last night was nonstop doing things but luckily that’s over with. Then when I got home I ate a shrimp ring that I totally forgot about but it was amazing. Then it all started to go bad for me. Oh I forgot a huge part of my day…. so I offered to drive a little when we were playing PokémonGo and I got all panicky before I even put the car in drive. I felt like I had to go pee but I didn’t, my chest was tight and I just felt all panicky. So my bf got a little frustrated because he hates seeing me like that. But I did it. I probably drove for about five minutes. That was a huge thing for me. I finally did it and drove a little. Afterwards I had a stress headache but it was all good after a little bit.

Okay back to last night, my heart felt like it wasn’t beating normally and I could feel the heart beats in my chest. I knew it was coming on from earlier in the day, from me driving finally. Then it hit me and I just felt this totally panic. My chest was all tight, I couldn’t breathe, my head was pounding and it was shooting pain, my feet, legs and hands felt all tingly, and I just started crying not like loud crying but silently. My boyfriend didn’t even know I was going through this because I was laying down covered by blankets and I was just laying there. All I could think about was the crash and I was replaying it in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and it felt like it was happening over and over again. Finally after I could talk and move a little I asked my boyfriend to hold me and it helped a little. Then when he got up I started to panic but I calmed myself down and I don’t remember falling asleep but I did.

Yeah so that was my day how was yours? Let me know in the comments if you want or don’t… anyways yeah right now I’m bored and my head hurts so that’s fantastic.

Anniversary Dinner!! 11/15/2019

So yesterday was our 9 month anniversary and yes we celebrate each month because we are amazing like that. We ate at one of our favorite restaurants but it was an hour an a half wait. Yes we waited that long but it was worth it. I didn’t work yesterday so I got to spend the whole day with him. We did visit my family as well so that was nice.

I did have an anxiety attack and just full on anxiety mode because I had to back the car out of the drive way while my bf backed another one out that was blocking us in. I backed it out kinda and then I got all panicky and my chest was feeling all tight. I felt like I was going to throw up and then I got a horrible headache. Other than that the day was amazing! I woke up yesterday feeling all panicky and after I ate I felt nauseous because I got all jumpy and so I took a nausea tablet thing I have.

That’s pretty much how my day went yesterday. Right now I’m feeling terrible. I work a seven hour shift and well I didn’t get out of work until ten and so I’m overly tired right now. My eyes feel heavy and I have a headache. Then after I ate my shrimp ring, that I totally forgot about by the way. My boyfriend brought it up for me. All of a sudden my heart feels like it’s skipping beats, my head has this shooting pain, my teeth hurt today, my chest feels all tight and I feel like I can’t breathe. Plus my left shoulder hurts when I move it, and I just feel all anxious and I can’t stay still. I am trying so hard not to cry right now. It is currently 11:18pm and I just want to fall asleep and be done with the day. You can read all about my crazy ass day tomorrow when I finally write it.

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